I have been planning on adding my testimony to my blog for awhile now. The problem is, every time I sat down to write it, I felt overwhelmed. There is so much God has done and changed in my life, how could I get this into one short (or even fairly long) blog post. So, I decided to break it up over a couple of posts and focus on various subjects or areas of what God has done in my life.
My past is a sad story, but unfortunately, so is most of humanities’ stories. There is abuse, addiction, divorce, more abuse, craziness, death, the public school system, social awkwardness, and very, very little life. In fact, even though I went to church most of my life, I did not know Christ was Life. I never even knew that I needed life, as living in death was the norm. But let me get a little more specific if this isn’t making sense to you.
Through a series of life events, I was pretty close to a basket case by the time I was in my late twenties. I suffered from depression and anxiety, in continuous cycles. I used drugs, alcohol, food, parties, men, television, music and whatever else would work to feel better, not think about how I felt, numb the feelings, get going when I couldn’t, and basically exist in this totally broken world.
I could hardly sleep at night and then when I finally did sleep, I would sometimes sleep for a day or two, if I didn’t have to get up and work or something. I was wound up like a top, continuously stressed and fretting about everything. I needed help, but I didn’t really know I needed help.
My father had been baptized and born again in my late teens and started to walk with God. He and his wife (who is really my mom now) found a great group of people and they prayed for each other and their families. And (unfortunately, I think) I was one of their major prayer topics, for many years.
I stopped doing drugs and ended up back with my family for awhile and going to church. Things stabilized a bit, but I ended up walking away from God, my family, and church after about a year. I was able to go to college, get a job, get married, and live a “normal” American life. But I wasn’t satisfied and I still suffered form a lot of anxiety and depression. So, instead of illegal drugs and alcohol, I turned to the legal ones – anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. They would help for a few weeks or months, and then I would find myself in worse shape than before. I gained weight and stopped caring about how I looked. I just kind of slumped into a funk.
Then we found out that one of my issues was that I had sleep apnea. Getting diagnosed was a good thing, and getting the help of a CPAP machine improved my sleep and made some improvement to the anxiety and depression issues, but it did not cure them. The anxiety and depression didn’t go away until I really met God one day. I spent a whole weekend in repentance and connecting to the Spirit of God. That made a major breakthrough in the healing that I needed.
My anxiety and depression, at least partially, were the result of my disconnect with God. I was empty. I did not have Life in me. I was full of wanting this world and people in this world to fill me, but alas, it and they can not.
As I learned of God, studied His Word, learned to pray, learned to spend time hearing Him, and learned to submit my will to His will, my anxiety and depression faded away. And as I continue to walk, and learn, and grow, other issues in my life are also fading away.
I never, ever want to go back to the drug taking, party girl I once was. I never, ever want to go back to the depression pill popping, American Dreamer I once was either. I am grateful for where God has me now. It is such a simple, beautiful life.